Trials and Tribulations...

So I recently admitted to myself that this whole moving home thing hasn't been the easiest. Especially in the last few months... While the summer led me to believe that my new life back here in Denver would hold the promise of awesome friendships, romance, and fun... Most haven't quite worked out the way I imagined. Most of my friends from the summer moved away or got busy, the romance... well... it just didn't work out ok? And fun is now defined as cleaning my shower. I've had to redefine my wants and needs and it hasn't been easy. For the first time in a long time, I started to question my decision. Having first left home when I was 15 I came to view this place as my strong hold, my safe zone, my comfort. I so looked forward to moving back here for those reasons and so many more. Moving home to me was so exciting.. I was so pumped... Now, well it's hard. I haven't made many new friends despite my efforts and that's not the best feeling in the world. I've tried putting myself out there in so many different ways, inviting people over, trying to go out and meet people and.... at my recent low point.... Joining meetup.com which sends you emails of local groups meeting up.... I haven't gone to any yet, but it's something isn't it? And ok, sure on thursdays after seminar I could go to happy hour but to be honest I'm so fried I come home, sit on my couch and often make mac n cheese for dinner. I also, have not developed the comfort level of driving more than a mile after having a beer. It makes me nervous and I'd rather come home and have a beer knowing I don't have to put anyone at risk then to test the limits of life. But that's a whole different discussion.

When I was talking to one of my best friends who (for the record LO LO SCHAF) left me too though I have pardoned her for it ;-) she told me some pretty shocking news. This first year out of college SUCKS. Being the older of my birthday twin Lauren (being my age plus one year) graduated May 2010. She knows first hand how hard this year is. The thing she reminded is that I went from having all my close friends near by to suddenly being spread out all over everywhere. Even though I have lived away from my friends for years I always went back... now I'd have to get on a plane just to hug them. This year isn't supposed to be easy and no matter where I am it would be hard. Not to mention on top of that I'm in a high level stress job/internship... Sometimes it's just about putting one foot in front of the other and working for the end goal. So I guess, for right now, the end goal is back to what it used to be with my dad: One new friend a month. Simple right? Well Tomorrow is December 1st, so in 30 days let's see how far I get... Who knows, maybe a year from now I'll have 12 or 100 new friends...

Surprises are actually awesome

So on my way to work this morning my iPod was on a roll.... literally song after song... I walked into work on a musical cloud of joy... Despite the long, often annoying commute to Tollgate I must say I have totally enjoyed my musical prelude and postlude to work. In fact last week, our tech teacher caught me absolutely JAMMIN' to Midd Kidd (see Youtube vid at bottom) and it made me realize how important it is just find those little moments when you can enjoy pure and utter happiness...No matter how dumb or silly it might look to someone else. Anyways... post awesomeness this morning we had a weird day.... On science two a days I think I literally spent 3 hours with the kids... We get them in the morning then take them off to art, from art they went to science.... We then picked them up and spent some time working on fractions... We then took them off to lunch... From lunch it was back to science... By the time we picked them up it was 1 o'clock... By then it was time for my lesson... I had planned on teaching the kids a preposition lesson and spicing it up with a song! YAY THINKING OUTSIDE THE BOX! Anyways... First off, I got nervous while I was singing the song!? Like changing color, red face, nervous... I mean I'M SORRY... Didn't I used to do this all the time? Wasn't I good at this? Am I losing my touch? I LITERALLY STARTED SWEATING... Oy vey... LUCKILY the kids totally jumped on board and loved the song!!! I WAS SURPRISED in the best way possible (ps, i hate surprises MORE than anything)... but honestly, this was amazing.. I even had kids volunteer (yes, i said volunteer, as in "ms. detmer can I try...) TO SING SOLOS.... Blew me out of the water... I was so pumped!!! Now despite my lesson not totally going the way I had planned, I was so pleasantly shocked that I'm ok with it. Something to change, something to revise... something to try differently... I LOVED IT.... There is truly nothing better then when your children surprise and amaze you when you are least expecting it... GASP... is that what parenthood is????


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WZzCHcMKyDc

UP on the rooftop.....

Is where the children play! Today we started our new expedition and the BEST part is that we got to go UP ON THE ROOOFFFFFFFF!!!!! It was hands down one of the coolest things I've ever done. And they LOVED it. They had so many awesome observations and questions. I was so proud of them!! I really enjoyed looking down through our skylights and actually getting to understand how they open and closed! I had no idea that they were dome shaped and that our shades actually become flat! Our new expedition seems like it will really get them excited about their environments and will also help them to think and act like a scientist. I'm hoping that at some point I'll get to use the things I learned in my developmentally appropriate science book! While I think they're a little confused about how what their learning in science class eventually it will all work out... Even if it doesn't happen while I'm no longer at... ANDDDD we're not finishing that sentence!

OH how the mighty have fallen....

I arrived at work this morning full of excitement knowing how well yesterday went. It was this sense of hope and pride and all happy feelings. And somehow in the first 2 hours of school that got shut completely down. I mean, shit hit the fan quickly and by the time the clock hit 2:30... I was ready for a break. I don't really want to go into details because at this point I have rehashed it and re-debriefed it in my head 100 times and really what I can (eventually take away from it) is that there are days like this. Sometimes there will be days when you get knocked down time after time after time but like any good teacher you must get back up. What I'm realizing that I will need to survive no matter what gets thrown at me... My ability to keep fighting will be my strongest tool in my shed. It won't be easy. Today definitely wasn't easy and I have no idea how on earth I would ever handle that alone but I will have to. Who knows what it will be like when I'm suddenly alone in a classroom but only time will tell.

Unexpected pride.... And other Sub adventures

On my way to work this morning my wonderful iPod shuffled to the song "Wide Open Spaces" I absolutely loved hearing it again. Silly but it has always been one of those songs that makes me smile, reminds me that taking risks is a joy and a blessing in life. When I arrived at school, I was absolutely bubbling with excitement and anticipation. It was almost like an extra bounce in my step... Often for me that bounce comes from music.... Anyways, I was pumped for this morning for many reasons. The first being that I was excited to see how the kids would react to all of the people and questions. The second being, I knew they'd be amazing and when it was over I would feel bursting with pride. The kids were simply adorable in their outfits and nervous little faces. I loved watching them share their knowledge with all of the people. When Gina, Sue and Joanne showed up I was even more excited!! They were so kind to come and hear our kids read their poems and explain their timelines. It was so great... I loved how proud of the kids I was, and the feeling of happiness it left me with. The rest of the day seemed like a breeze despite the prison guard style sub I had after lunch. This sub felt it necessary to excessively sssssh my kids with a minor angry tone but for the most part she took the sideline so that was nice.

Karma... and it's place in education and in life....

Yes, I know, hard to believe that I'm about to write about how education fits into education but believe it or not, it totally does. We as educators are not only setting the example for our students but we are constantly interacting with other adults for many things. As a child I was always taught to treat others the way I wanted to be treated. Growing older I recognized just how important that was to life. Being nice is the best way to be remembered because it draws people back to you... It draws people in. Treating people unkindly or rudely causes you to be remembered in a negative way. Even on a day when you're tired or annoyed it is important to try to be nice.

In education we as teachers are put into grade teams, committees, and other groupings. We have to treat each other with respect and kindness not only for human decency but also because it makes us desirable. Others will want to work with us more, and therefore sing our praises. When you treat others in poor ways it makes them not want to work with you, and inevitably will isolate ourselves from them.

As a side note, this is not about Scott. These are just some thoughts I've had stemming from some all over my life interactions.

While not a surface value I have found more and more that respect has a place in education. Treating people with kindness will bring us more wonderful things and treating others with rudeness will bring negative things into our lives and our classrooms. I may be an intern but I am also a human being, a person and more importantly a person with feelings. I have spent my life trying to be nice and treat others with kindness.I know I'm not perfect at it, but I do try. Sure, I'm loud at times and crazy and have a vibrant personality but that does not give anyone the right to treat me as anything less than human. Intern does not mean slave, or bitch or workhorse. The workplace is somewhere everyone has the right to be an equal. The last year of my life I've spent a lot of the time learning how not to interact, or coach, or whatever with people. As hard as it is, I have to put those lessons in my basket so as to avoid them in the future. Just like my feelings with regret sometimes you have to learn from the hard life lessons so that you can grow and be better than it. But to be totally frank, I'm really sick of it. I'm sick of learning the hard lessons, I'm sick of feeling like I have to defend who I am. Does life ever get any easier?

Thursdays are weird

So now that the kids have science we get the kids at 7:55 when they come in and then get them back at at 9:50... its weird... I feel like we've barely got the day going when i leave. It's hard to leave the kids since I barely feel like I've spent the day with them... Granted today was stress central with our expedition celebration coming up. We spent all morning working on the kids' timelines and when I left my eyes were sore and I was starting to think my ability to edit was going downhill. You can only look at the same thing so many times... definite blurrrrr

Philosophy, Theory and Me in the Middle....

So I've been trying to think about this philosophy paper and where exactly I fit into all of this world. A lot of what I'm struggling with is this idea of how I'm supposed to decide yes, that is me or no that isn't me when I can barely decide what I'm going to eat for dinner daily. I struggle to put myself in a box in general. Having always strived to live independently of labels I just don't feel comfortable saying, yes I will be a realist teacher. Until I feel completely comfortable in a a classroom I doubt I will be able to completely decide where I fall into all of these different categories. Pretty much I feel like I will be picking and choosing from everyone and going with it. I mean really, I'm 23, who am I to declare anything about myself as fact?

Having been a successful product of boarding school and out of state college kid, I know that some of the ingredients I will reach for from my "resource" pantry to implement in my classroom "kitchen" are idealist philosophies since those curriculums look at the bigger ideas of culture and education. I also will reach for the existentialist philosophies since it allows the actual individual creep through into the classroom. I value all of my students as individuals and recognize that they have something to bring to the table. Remembering to bring those outside values and cultures into the curriculum will better me. I also think the pragmatist ideas will fit into the recipe as well since organized problem solving allows students to work through materials at a deeper level than just the surface. Being able to pull back and look at an idea at a large picture and a small detail are two wonderful, important ideas.

So at least that's a start... I guess....?

ps. happy intern day... (?)

One month and 5 days...

No I haven't been counting. Scott told me. This morning when the kids were at art Scott checked his email and received his (our) invite to the "office" or school christmas party. As he read the date he also added that that date was my last day at school. Whoa... That was unexpected. That's the end... practically within reach... that's insane... I'm so not ready to process it so I will live in my delusional land.

I've been trying to get ahead on my philosophy of education paper since it is due right after thanksgiving and I don't want to spend this break working on a paper like the last one. What i've found though is that I'm struggling to write it. Not the actual conventions of the paper but rather how on earth am I supposed to decide what my philosophy or theory on education is. I mean really, I'm 23 and trying to figure out what my philosophy on life is... even my theory on life (for the record though, I never plan to figure those ones out). I don't think I will figure out my philosophy or theory until I'm actually alone in a classroom sitting on the floor in a circle with my first class. As I have found with many of my life experiences I can think one thing, then actually experience whatever it is and realize all my planning will lead to something wonderful I never could have foreseen. Or sometimes it will lead to something that I will recognize I need to change. I'm sure I can declare a theory or philosophy for the sake of paper writing but the truth of the matter is, until I get to set the desks up the way I want and put bright happy colors up because it's my classroom. Who am I to say how I will react year to year to my different students. Who am I to say that every single day I'll come in with a great attitude... Those are unpredictables and things I don't feel comfortable declaring without true solo experience....

Sometimes you just need a Tutu….And a touch of Pride

So today in honor of our race yesterday the Girls On The Run team, Ms. Reynolds (PE teacher) Ms. Bell (5th grade para) and myself all wore our GOTR tutus to school! First of all this totally makes up for not getting to dress up for Halloween so I’m happy. Second of all it’s absolutely hilarious to see 20 or so 5th grade girls all in purple shirts and purple, black, white and sparkle tutus. It just automatically lifts your spirit… and if it doesn’t then I’m super sorry. I have loved getting to know these girls and am full of pride knowing how well they did… You’d think they were my own children how much I have bragged about them in the last 24 hours. I can’t wait until the spring when they have their next run and I will get to be there, granted on the sidelines, cheering them on again. They all have grown and accomplished so much… It truly makes me feel blessed to be in their lives.
The great part of GOTR is that it works to make you feel good about yourself. Finishing the race is the goal but from start to finish is your own personal journey. Doesn’t matter if you walk, run, skip, jump or dance (obviously I did all ☺) all that matters is that you finish the race and feel proud of yourself. Which EVERY single one of my girls did in under an hour. Despite spending most of the race in the back of the group with one of our slower girls (as my fockers know, I truly believe you are only as strong as your weakest link and that no one should be left behind) and having known what it is like to be left behind by a group, I wanted to change this girl’s experience… Even if it meant slowing my own time, this isn’t my last race by any means. When she finished she thanked me in such a sincere wonderful way that it literally took my breath away. Children surprise you all the time when you least expect it, just let them… If you have a time-slowing machine… hook me up please!

holy crap its the middle of november

Right now the thing I'm struggling to believe that I'm just a little over a month away from being done at Tollgate. I'm so confused how on earth the time has flown by this fast. Seems strange and unbelievable to me... My feelings are totally mixed on the whole thing... While I desperately want to see as many different schools and experiences as I can... I also have come to feel at home in the Tollgate community. I know pretty much everyone, I have my little group of friends and I feel like my kids really like me. The idea of going to another school, with new kids who are used to a different intern... well, honestly... it scares me. I'm happy and content at Tollgate.... While I'm sure I can re-integrate myself into a group, I'm just sad to do so. Leaving Scott makes me really sad...He's been such a great mentor, I truly couldn't have asked for anyone better.... He has set the bar high for the next mentor and I'm just afraid of what would happen if the next one doesn't live up to his high standards.... I mean really... if it's not baroque, why fix it?

(joke... laugh)

Sub deuce for deuce

Today I had super sub-day....And by that I mean... The kids came, they did morning math for 10 minutes. They left for PE, they went from PE to science. When they came back from science it was 9:45... We did crew until 10:15/10:20 and then Emily's mentor Lindsay came and taught an equivalent fractions lesson. This was awesome for a couple of reasons... The first being that I got to see the kids make leaps and bounds on fraction understanding and the second being I have now seen all of the 5th grade team teach at some point in time. I've been able to see the different styles of their teaching and get to know them all. It was so much to see Lindsay at work. After that... well, since it was thursday... it was time to go... Once again I left hoping and praying that the kids would be ok with a sub...

Blurt Alert....En espanol por favor....

So today I was over in another classroom helping write a two-voice poem/ modeling a two-voice poem and I discovered a really fun little tool… the BLURT ALERT. You call a “blurt alert” when the group is working on something quietly or when the teacher is modeling something and someone raises their hand without asking for permission. The blurt alert can happen to anyone at any point in time. I loved the idea of being able to make interruption not such a big deal. It was a silly little fun thing… I really dug it… The day has really worn on since I got here at 7:20 and we have conferences until 7… I know Tommy, I know, you have 12 hour days all the time… well guess what, I don’t. So sorry..... Though I must say, I'm getting the hang of this whole translating "literacy" and "he's good in class" thing... tri-lingual life BRING IT ON... Scott even almost sent me to translate in another classroom. Who would have known that I would end up not only spending my life educating others but doing it in multiple languages? Certainly not me, but it certainly makes all the crazy worth while.... truly.


ps, a great part of the day, aside from translating conferences and actually feeling confident in my spanish..... was being asked what I wanted for christmas by one of my students... literally made my heart sing with joy :-)

Regrets and mistakes...

So as most of you know I live a lot of my life through song and music. Lately, I've been really into Adele and more specifically "someone like you"... Some of the lyrics that have been resonating and haunting me... sitting on my shoulders all day... Leading me around while walking through the halls. I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited-- But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.-- I had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded hat for me it isn't over....Don't forget me, I beg-- I remember you said,
"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead"...We were born and raised-- In a summer haze--Bound by the surprise of our glory days...But the lines that just seem to sit on my heart are, Nothing compares--No worries or cares--Regrets and mistakes--They are memories made.--Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?.... It literally right now feels like the lyrics are healing me. It's magic, truly. It is exactly why kids need to learn about music. Being able to express yourself in a way that isn't just "i feel sad" opens up the entire world to endless possibilities.

The other thing I totally love about this is the line "regrets and mistakes they are memories made". As many or most, I hope, of you know I don't actually believe in regret. I won't bother wasting my time on something I cannot change. All I can do is learn from it, remember not to make the same mistake twice and move forward. It truly is just a memory made in my mind. How can you not love an idea like that? This follows up with my post last night that not all teachers are who you expect them to be, but rather people in unexpected places. Adele has taught me that I'm not alone in my feelings on regret and that sometimes it lasts in love and sometimes it hurts instead... We have all survived something.... It's about picking yourself up and carrying on...

teachers of all shapes and sizes....

No i don't mean the fatties and the skinnies but rather the different way people end being teachers. Sure, I could tell you about my day with the kids and about how I have lice in my class and have now begun the excruciating process of cleaning my life but that's no fun. So instead I'll tell you about the awesome cooking class I took today with Mariana. I found that while we were in the class I was analyzing his teaching style instead of well... paying attention. First thing, expectations not clear. a) the class is 3.5 hours long... when was that EVER stated... oh wait it wasn't. b) we didn't eat until 8:45... so i was obviously STARVING (lay off me... I’m starving) so strike one i guess you could say, though I know now for next week. Second, his instructions were mildly jumbled and slightly demeaning. Yes, I did take a cooking class in France, yes I lived with a chef for 4 months but that does not mean I know how to cook salmon or cook T-bone steak. I'm 23 dude, cut me some slack here. And as it turned out, I wasn't as incompetent as he expected so no worries. Anyways, as the class continued on, I noted things such as his need control the actual food cooking. His GRR (gradual release of responsibility) wasn't a strength. He was good about letting us feel apart of the cooking by prepping the food then assisting in the cooking. However, we all cooked only ¼ of the meal not the entire thing. While I was ok with that for things like the salad dressing since I’ve been doing that since I was maybe, 10, there were things like cooking the steak I would have liked to understand more. To his credit he did have some sweet tips like how to tell if meat is done by using your hand and touching the meat itself. Oh, and the food was to die for I just wish it had been a bit more hands on. Mariana and I aren’t as “basic” as this “basic” skills class but we did learn lots of awesome tips and the recipes will certainly be handy. The other cool thing I got out of this was the realization that if I need a break perhaps from “regular” teaching, I can take one of my outside skills and mush it up with teaching. Ok, so cooking would be out since I’m not amazing at that or anything but I’m sure there’s another class out there just DYING to have my take charge…. Teachers aren’t just in the classroom; they can be anywhere doing anything. Many people don’t even recognize when they are teaching. Take a minute and think… Is there something in your life that you do because someone taught you to do it? Was it a teacher or was it just someone you met? Did you realize that they were teaching you?

And I was right….

Ok that’s just a little shout out to LoLo Schaf but it’s also the truth. I was right. The sub, well she sucked… SUCKED. (sorry mom) Her note to Scott and I was… how do I put this lightly? Oh right... A LIE. It said that the children were a joy, worked hard and listened to her. What Scott and I learned later was that, they in fact were not. They were AWFUL. They were leaving the room without permission, slapping each other, making farting noises, talking about the sub behind her back, and many, many more things (read on to find out….) Needless to say, I wasn’t surprised but I still was disappointed. Despite their work not being as bad as I expected I was just annoyed that we seemed to have dropped back to our beginning of the school year actions. Only 6 students of 24 were NOT mentioned in the letters we had the kids write explaining what happened. 6! 3/4 of the class completely took the day off. The most interesting of all was that our new girl; let’s say “Lea” definitely will be one to watch. As ring leader of the “leave the room when we want” she did not make as many friends as she may have expected to. The lesson I am taking from all of this is the same as yesterday… Never get sick... or if I do get sick find a sub that doesn’t lie about the kids just to get a job.

Now question of the week: In one of the letters a child wrote “at the end of the day we started corn dogging each other”… What does that mean?!?!?!?!?!

Sub This….

So today I had a sub…. Well, I suppose I need start before then. Our child studies were due today so I had a pile of stress on my plate. Wanting to do as well on that paper as I did, I was aware of this day as soon as the clock struck 12:00am. Arriving at work knowing that a) Scott wouldn’t be there and b) I still needed to organize my paper felt like a lot to deal with. When I arrived at school… no sub. No need to panic… I will survive. I went about my pre-day plans as planned. I changed the dates, the lunch options, printed out the sub plan from Scott and sat down at my desk just organizing. Two different teachers came in looking for Scott and when I alerted them to my mentor-less, sub-less situation they wished me luck and headed on their way. Trying to contain my freak out, I went to get the kids. I had them do morning math, did attendance and just talk about their snow day. Then I sent them off to P.E. Still sub-less. One of the other 5th grade team members came into the room and asked if my sub was here yet. I replied they were not and she offered to check on the status of the sub for me. Well apparently the first sub forgot. So a back-up sub was on their way. Well eventually she showed up. In a snoopy shirt, snoopy jacket and snoopy pin, detailed by electric blue eyeliner and pink eye shadow. I literally was on the verge of saying get out of my classroom and never come back. She also came in carrying 5 bags… BAGS OF CRAP. I mean really, I come to work everyday with one bag. I can barely imagine why on earth a person needs 5 bags for one day of work. Her opening line was also, “wait I thought they needed a sub.” I smiled and replied, “yes we do.” I then explained my status in the classroom, from there all she wanted to talk about was whether or not I received financial aid through my program and how it compared to the program her daughter was doing with under privileged kids, but that her daughter really wanted to go back to working with kids who had autism. Needless to say, I was feeling, well unsupported by her. I went to get the kids and we settled into our regular routine. I set the kids up to independently work and left to go help one of the other teachers. When I came back… well, It was confusion. Needless to say when I left for seminar I was nervous about the day. I noted to myself, I shall never be sick or miss a day of work again for the rest of my life… realistic goal right?

ATDASD

Or: All Teachers Dream About Snow Days......

ANDDDDDDDDDD when you get one, it is absolutely heaven. For right now, this is my miracle. That miracle I was looking for because our child study is due tomorrow and this little (or big) snow storm will give me a chance to tie up all the loose ends and make sure that it is perfect.... And this day off will give me a chance to finally catch up on all my little errands that seem to just sit waiting! YAY SNOW DAY

balance... or not

I'm going to be super honest... right now, the paper consumes my life.... like this paper is eating my soul. It is so hard to maintain a good balance between school and school and keeping myself... well alive. Being a hard worker, I try to give my own work as much of my time as I can, however that isn't exactly easy considering that I also have to spend time at school and for example tomorrow we have conferences so I'll be at work for 12 hours... not exactly ideal for having a paper due on thursday. I suppose I had gotten too used to my comfortable library habits at sewanee to realize how hard it would be to try to work in new study habits while also worrying about food and sleep and laundry and bills. I'm not drowning per se but rather adjusting to new patterns. I'm already tired from working with the kids but knowing I have to go home and up my productive level, is difficult. On top of that I somehow have to find a way to feed myself... which lately has been microwavable meals since they don't take long and are a perfect portion size. I know that I can't pull an all nighter like I used to mainly because I have to be on with the kids and it wouldn't be fair to them for me to come to school not having slept..... hmmmmmmmm decisions decisions....