I've been thinking a lot about all of the changes that have happened in my life since May. This weird feeling of reflection comes from me finding my new years resolutions for this year in my room at my parent's house. I realized for the first time in my life I not only have stayed true to all of them, but I feel like they are all great stepping stones to my future. They were as follows:
1) stay in shape all year long
2) have a good end of college
3) not worry about the future, take everything one day at a time
4) not to be afraid to fail
5) to not let the little things bug me
And yes, some of them I have not been so good at lately (#4 & 5) But I'm realizing that my worrying and my fear of failure helps to motivate me to do better. My future is an uncontrollable force, sure I make choices that change the direction of it often but I have no idea what God has in store for me 5 years from now, 10 years from now... I can only hope I'm headed in the right direction. With my birthday quickly approaching, I'm finding that my reflections solidify my non-belief in regret and help me realize that no matter what happened in the past I am a better person today than I was yesterday. The last year of my life, has had its major ups and downs. From field hockey not being what I expected out of my senior season, to school being so hard I wanted to transfer with one semester left to moving out and living on my own, feeling a huge sense of independence once again. My ups and downs of 22 have been noticeable and significant for me in every way. But i wouldn't change one thing. My self perceived failures academically lead me to passing my senior thesis and comps with flying colors; something I never thought possible. My failed final season has made me realize how important it is to be a positive teacher and coach. To find the little positive things and praise them in my kids, no matter HOW much they bother me... One positive thing could make a difference whereas one negative thing could drag the whole train off the tracks. My personal relationships have been a struggle and have forced me to once again realize that I'm a totally unique person and that I'm not the easiest to be around. But it doesn't matter, I am who I am and I was reminded of a quote by Dr. Seuss that a close friend shared with me: "be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"... Is there anything more true? I'm awesome, get the memo and if you don't... well it's your loss. NOT mine.
Failure is a big deal for me, I constantly worry about failing... Failing my family, failing my friends, failing at my job, failing at being an adult... Especially this last year failure has lived on my shoulders. It comes from a fear that no matter how awesome I am, I am not enough. I hate feeling that because I raised in an amazing family where all my weird quirks were accepted as normal. My parents constantly remind me of how I used to sing to myself in front of the dishwasher and no one questioned it. It's not about being perfect because no one is, it's about being the best that I can be.... at all times. I constantly work to push that voice of failure out of my head because, I think I'm doing a pretty good job so far at being an adult. And sure, I go home a lot but I chose to live in the same city as my parents because family is important to me. If I could somehow move Connecticut closer to Colorado so I could see my brother, his wife and my nephew more I would in a heartbeat. Their support reminds me that there is no failure, only societies definitions of "not regular"or "not enough". Dad always told us life is not a race, but rather a journey and if you're ok with your journey then you're doing alright.
A lot of this reflection comes from me trying to "figure out" what kind of teacher I am. Part of the reason why I'm struggling with this "what kind of teacher I am" concept is because I don't see myself as a teacher.I only just graduated from college. I am a life learner. Much like my brother Tommy, I don't believe learning ever stops... And granted I'm not headed down the same route as him (check him out here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=guGoMRkXYvs) but I love the idea that we never stop learning. There is no due date for personal knowledge. So how can I see myself as a teacher when I'm learning every second. Everyday is an opportunity for a new lesson.... Maybe that's my gift? Maybe that's the kind of teacher I am? I hope that everyday my kids learn at least one new thing... Is that a kind of teacher? Is it ok to not know everything? Yes, and I hope that makes me a better teacher....
I've decided that with my birthday in 5 days I will write some additions to my resolutions that will carry until my birthday next year... And they would be the following:
1) never stop learning
2) remind yourself that you are amazing even when you feel like curling up and crying, it's ok, cause you're still awesome
3) sing all the time because it makes you happy even when it's a song you can't remember all the lyrics to
4) never stop trying... when you give up, the sun doesn't shine and the world stops moving... Even failure can teach you a lesson, so try try try....
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